What Did You Just Call Me?

Do you ever secretly give people nicknames ?
I do all the time.
I never used to.
It all started when I was sharing an apartment with a lovely girl named May after I split up with my ex-husband.
May was a lot younger than me, a musician in an Orchestra and an American.
She also had/has a thing for the colour purple.
But one of the funnest things about May - apart from her extraordinary cocktail creations - was the way she would give nicknames to any guy she hooked up with.
I know that Sex in the City has a ' Mr Big', but May had a 'Rabbit Fuck Boy'.
I'm thinking if you are a guy, being known as Mr Big would not be a problem.
I can tell you now, being 'Rabbit Fuck Boy' is not how you wish to be known amongst the ladies.
Giving people nicknames is a great way to mentally turn the irritating and ridiculous into cartoon caricatures of themselves.
In my world I have a 'Mr Shit-Floats', who epitomises that concept in every way.
By silently using that name, I can somehow reconcile his position within society within myself.
It is a mental safety valve.
Without it I fear I would rage and rage at the injustice of his elevation over the years, but by reminding myself that he owes his power to a sad, but truthful, metaphor I can cope.
Of course, nicknames can be loving and kind.
These are the ones we like to share.
My daughter has long been 'Boofulsunshiney' and is still 'bunny' and 'kitten' when she needs to be.
My eldest son has been 'The Big Lad' since he was 3.
His sister calls him 'Kipster', which is a derivative of his name ( she gets 'Parrot' for the same reason).
The youngest is known as 'Little Pants', due to his place in the pecking order.
When he came along -when his brother was 3- there were obviously TWO boys to deal with.
One was bigger ' The Big lad', one was smaller, 'Little pants'.
That the younger one now stands a good 2-3 inches in height over his elder sibling is of no consequence.
At 6'3, he is still my little pants.
'The Big Lad' is now a buff, gym attending, bearded man about town.
He is as eloquent and erudite as any man you ever met.
Neither 'Big' nor 'Laddish' in any way.
It matters not. He is my 'Big Lad', and always will be.
But these names bulge with love.
Pity the man whom I have tagged 'Wally Onetone' for his lack of depth or pitch, amongst other things.
Or 'Mr Hasbeen', a man who is afraid of the shadow of the shadow of his former self.
But men are not the only ones endowed with labels that beat with a heart of disbelief and derision.
I met a woman years ago who had be blessed with an inner bitch that was so divisive within the community that she could literally part a room down the centre before entering it.
It was from her lips that I first heard the term 'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer'.
I thought she had made it up.
It was the kind of thing she would have made up.
She was, as my mother would say, a piece of work.
Her nickname came in the form of the blessing of ill health and her own double barreled surname.
This woman developed a rather unfortunate medical condition, IBS to be exact.
A hideous and horrible, painful and embarrassing affliction I would not wish on my worst enemy....
That's not true.
I would.
But what it did do was give rise to her nickname.
Smelly Belly Smith.
OK, I'm not proud of it ( I am) but by God it made me happy at the time.
It still does.
Secret nicknames can be so cathartic.
It's a private 'push-back' at those for whom a push forward would be wasted energy.
But of course, caution must be applied when speaking to these people in person.
I sometimes find myself mentally checking to ensure that the private nickname does not inadvertently erupt in place of the persons actual name when speaking with them.
How embarrassing would that be?
For them....as well as me.
Take 'Bitchface Amanda', and 'The Krakenwhore' for example.
Both of them living lives blissfully unaware of their less than flattering monikers, and therefore still able to provide endless hours of entertainment.
I think Smelly Belly Smith would be proud of me.