I mean, I literally had to subtract the year I was born (1969) from the current year (2013) and then figure in the month to arrive at my age.
I was not being coy. I never lie about my age.
The fact that I am still here at all I consider to be quite the achievement.
There have been several times in my life when I might have chosen the alternative.
On occasion, I still sit and ask myself what the point is anyway, but that has less to do with depression and anxiety these days and more to do with pragmatism.
I am still not sure WHY I am here, but in truth my fear of missing out on all the fun keeps me around.
Perhaps I have no purpose other than to breed - check- so if that's the case the rest can be seen as either a bonus, or natures idea of a mind fuck.
Perhaps one day I shall achieve some level of greatness that will open all the doors and windows and send floods of justification my way, although from what I have read even people like Freddy Mercury died full of self doubt, and that guy was amazing.
I wonder at people who never ask 'Why' about things.
I consider them stupid.
I am not suggesting we should all sit and contemplate everything ad infinitum like those frustrating fucking trees in 'The Lord of the Rings', but there surely must be a time and place to question beyond the absolute obvious.
"My wife left me"
"Why?"
"Because she's a bitch"
"That seems reasonable, let's leave it there shall we?"
It's true, some things happen just because they happen.
Those are what we call accidents, but a lot of things happen because people wish it to be so, and sometimes even a whisper can turn into a roar when carried by the right wind.
So my age is currently being forgotten by my brain.
Is this because I am in denial?
Does the idea of turning 44 this year, and no longer being 42- the age of all answers- but 43- the age of no particular cleverness- upset me so much that I have chosen to blank it from my synapses?
Or is it that having become a women In Her Forties, I no longer feel the need to count the runs ?
Perhaps age is no longer relevant to me.
Perhaps I am old enough to know better and young enough not to care.
Perhaps I have early onset dementia, in which case my mind is already in the process of relieving me from the burden of mental responsibility.
A horror in the early stages, a blessing in the latter I believe.
I see people younger than me, people in their 20's and 30's, rushing towards artificial goals set by societal norms as if their entire existences depended upon them.
Work goals, child bearing goals, home ownership goals, body beautiful goals, have as much fun as you can goals, travel everywhere goals, sleep with everyone goals, achieve the perfect orgasm goals, find 'The Right One' goals, 'love yourself enough to meet your own goals' goals.
All before middle age kicks in and a whole new set of goals are added to the list.
Most of these involve removing wrinkles and re-visiting the earlier goals that you have failed to achieve in the set time allotted.
And who is manifesting this list?
Journalists-with editing deadlines.
Editors -with spaces to fill around the ads.
Experts- the ones Christopher Hitchens suggests we view always as mammals.
And the rest I hand over to ourselves.
You see, we have the power to ration our own psychosis, if we choose, but often we react to the auto suggestion of others without ever asking why.
Why must things be done when we say they must be done?
Nature will surly dictate our fertility, but not our ability to nurture.
A beautiful body may be one that has softened with age.
A book written at 60 will contain far more insight than one written at 25.
Are these excuses, or are these are truths?
As we age, we gain certain strengths by surrendering others.
But as we know, with great strength comes....
Which is a bit of a crock, given that the responsibility now lays with people who are likely to forget that it's Sunday, or that their glasses are sitting on top of their heads.
Perhaps my fading mental power is a result of having achieved the goal of near self destruction in my mid 30's?
In which case, job well done !!
Another one to cross off the list.
Now if I can just get into the next decade wearing pants in the correct manner, I shall be happy.
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