Road To Nowhere

What I am about to discuss may upset people I care about but the topic just wont leave my head, and as I always say, better out than in.

Life - even human life- is all about procreation, then death.

Did you know that male lions kill the cubs of other males in order to bring the lioness back into estrous and then mate with her in order for their genetics to survive.

Brutal huh?

But then, we are here to pass on our genes, and after then we are pretty much done.

Lions are just a little more up font about the whole thing.

Having said that I once read a book called 'Raising Boys' that discussed, in very honest terms, the phenomenon of violent and disconnected step fathers.

But I am not here to discuss bad step-parenthood or the less than charming habits of horny hairy Lions.

Instead let's discuss my current neurosis regarding my purpose for being here.

The problem is, I have had my babies and they are all grown up - relatively, we all have our moments- and suddenly, I feel I may be all played out.

I currently find myself somewhat goal less, and a bit aimless, and this makes me feel stressy and shut down.

Look, its not like I don't have things to do.

I have a bucket list.

I have yet to publish a book, and yet this is something I feel I must, and will, do.

I have not traveled everywhere I want.

I would like to change locations one day.

It would be nice to have some savings.

I should probably have sex again sometime soon, preferably with someone other than my handy dandy 'Handy Dandy'.

I would one day like to work in a women's refuge giving voices back to the silent.

There is stuff out there, it's just that today...and lately every other day.....I have felt a little.....lost.

It happens.

I am one of those revolting 'glass half full' type of chicks for the most part, but I do have my moments when I sit there thinking " Someone has eaten MY porridge and I'm going back to bed".

So it has become clear to me that I need a fairly epic goal to prevent me walking off the top of the IFC or testing the voltage on my hairdryer under the shower.

And it has to be something other than 'lose weight'.

Last week I had an almost one on one session with the amazing Jason and the pain payoff, whilst fun in parts, was not enough to make me think that my life's aim should be to get thinner.

I will GET thinner, I do for a while every couple of years, but that seems less significant somehow than, say, giving birth to a person.

And therein lays the rub.

Giving birth is major, it's an amazing thing.

Being a parent of young people is awesome.

Last week someone made a Prince.

That is pretty cool actually, they are rare.

Some of my peers, in fact a large number of my peers, are still in the throws of school lunches and homework, and sleepovers and nits.

I shot my wad early (or at least HE did) - so to speak- so at the tender age of nearly 44, my 'babies' are about to turn 25, 23 and 20 respectively.

The closest I get to hands on child rearing are drunken text messages from my daughter at her 1am " MUM, I'm at Karaoke !!", late night skype sessions with a hairy man who holds objects in his hands he has made with a 3D printer and talks about a future I might never even see, and half naked You Tube Vlogs that, by implication, means either that the youngest one needs more clothes- or has just had a 'friend' over.

Sleep overs are a different thing when your children are adults.

" Oh, hi there you two, am I interrupting?"

We are a very open family, and I like that, but part of that means that I am fully aware of how little practical parenting is now required by my much loved, but fully fledged, ducklings.

Am I pointless now?

I look at all the things that people do other than have children - create art, sell time share apartments, make films, run companies, buy shoes- and I know that these things are 'things to do', but I worry that they are just time fillers whilst we wait for death.

Does that sound depressing?

It might well be.

Sorry about that.

I do not wish to dwell in this state, it must be said.

I think I need to find a way to 'give back' some of my very lucky life in order to move forward.
Giving is far more satisfying than receiving, of that I am certain.
So, I need to find a goal that involves being genuinely useful and relatively well paid, involves travel and writing and, where possible, sex with men who look like Hugh Jackman.

After all, I'm in a rut....I'm not ACTUALLY dead.

Besides, Billy Joel said only the good die young, so for me the road ahead is long.

May as well have some fun.