Thank God we no longer use hieroglyphs.Communication is tricky enough without the nuances of a hand carved Ibis. Imagine the embarrassment of a hastily written note “crouching man snake cross slave donkey stork" when what you had REALLY wanted to say was "crouching man snake cross slave donkey one legged Heron".
Not only do women and men speak in tongues some 20,000 light years apart, even amongst our own sex we can come a cropper when expressing our needs and wants armed with anything less than a fully functioning mouth, arms and legs, pens, paper, graphs, spread sheets and diagrams, a PDA, an interpreter and- these days and for those 'i' inclined- Siri.
I work in a communication heavy environment.
And whether it is getting a 12 year into a gold medal position or an actor into his character, getting my point across so that someone else can get THEIR point across is my daily challenge.
Mostly I am successful.
Mostly this is because I listen.
I have long held the view that the best communicators are the ones who know when, and how, to shut up.
People who do not listen do not learn.
Simple as that.
Human beings are not designed for circulatory data processing.
Many Australians know that the Didgeridoo- an Aboriginal instrument- is played by the musician inhaling and exhaling simultaneously.
This works for the didgeridoo.
It's a hollow tube.
WE, on the other hand, work a little differently.
Information goes in, gets filtered and processed, and THEN comes out.
Sometimes what comes out bares little or no resemblance as to what goes in.
There's none as queer as folk, so they say.
So, internet dating.
Don’t ask how we got here, I just deleted 17 lines of diatribe about the belittling of William Shakespeare on the HK Theatre scene and the bastardry required to turn a comedy into a farce and how upset I was for my friends performing and how even very clever people can be very very stupid when they use their ego to think, and not their brain……but moving on…….
Lately I have been wandering through a website called ‘Tagged’.
A friend, who is single, told me about it because, he said, loads of great people used it.
Now I have to say, this is where thinking can severely fuck up the open lines of communication. Because what I have found- with all due respect my friend - is that the people who use ‘Tagged’ are freaks.
Last week a man named Kanny J used the opening line “I love ur pointed nose, R U white” as an opening gambit to sweep me off my feet and get me into bed. Unless he is looking for true love and a wedding with smooth moves like that? I may be mistaken.
‘Loads of great people’ does not sound like people like Kanny J to me.
‘Loads of great people’ sounds like ‘normal intelligent, reasonably attractive humans who can start a sentence without freaking me out’.
In the past 7 days I have been sent emails that include, and I quote “i saw ur profile and got stucked with ur beauty and looks” to “,i had a wife and three kids,two boy $ a girl unfortunately i lost them on a plane crash.” Not forgetting “ you'r smile tuch my..........! if ones you meet me ........! hope you will never forgate me..........! have a nice day. god bless you.” And finally “Hello dear,i am Mr DANIEL FREEMAN from Uk searching for a Nanny to work for me here in Uk due to busy work with me so if interested write to me back quickly”
Actually, that last one sounds OK. I am not sure what about my online profile said I was looking for a nannying job in the UK, but if times get tough, who knows ?
Gentlemen. If you are going to attempt to hook up on line, for fucks sake, learn to spell- yes, I know English not mother tongue blah blah blah, but unless you are French it’s not cute, and even then it’s only cute in person-, and also, do not talk to me about how we will be lifelong soul mates if only I would send you my personal email and an MSN contact. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU SCARE ME.
Also, not so many of the topless photos unless you are built like Federer. For sexy times I can go to Adult Friend Finder or any of the hubs related to fornication. You, laying on the bed all sweaty and hairy and built like a lesser Lord of the Rings character does NOT do if for me….or anyone.
Why is this so hard? Are there not websites out there for people to go to for advice if they REALLY do not know how to express themselves?
Have we not watched Oprah? Or Dr Phil? Or Skippy? Hell, even that Kangaroo could communicate more effectively than these people and he could only use his ears , a few dodgy clicks and a paw tied to a stick with wire.
I shall stick with ‘Tagged’ because it amuses me. Like watching a hopped up Shakespearean actor with a speech impediment, it is the closest thing I get to a contact sport. Internet dating and bad Am-Dram. One way or the other, you’ll find yourself fucked over.
