Sunday, June 6, 2010

Walk a mile in my Manolo's Biatch.

"Mental health check for the woman grocery shopping in her Louboutins Aisle 5 please".
Ladies, a word in your ear.
If you are going to persist in your endeavours to reach the glass ceiling by standing on your tip toes in sky scraping architecturally designed BDSM inspired footwear, you are going to topple on your arse as soon as the straps are loosened.
Trust me, I know a lot about loosened leather straps.
What I do not know a lot about is 'cutting edge fashion'.
But I know when to call bullshit when I see it, and the time has come for SOMEONE to call bullshit on what is happening in the world of female footwear.
Look, I love design, I love art.
And I understand the role of high heels, too.
The elevation of the back of a woman's foot shifts her axis of balance forward, thrusting out her bum- and we know boy's like bums- and elongating the leg- boy's like long legs too.
High heels are designed to make woman appear more 'ready for sex'.
I love sex.
I love feeling sexy, and I love wearing heels.
But I also love being able to stand on my feet for more than 10 minutes without the travelling numbness that starts in my big toe, and the unnerving sensation that I am standing a small puddle of molten lava embedded with knives.
Heels, yes.
Walking around all day in 5 inch stiletto's?
Only if you are paying me the big bucks-cash-and all upfront.
Victoria Beckham may think nothing of a couple of hours at the park playing footy with her lads in spindly bits of wood and lace constructs, but most woman want to look like they are 'ready for sex' in places other than the street or the playground.
Besides, word has it she has been on her toes so long, her tendons have shrunk.
How's she going to get her ankles behind her ears NOW huh?
No wonder David's eyes wander.
And it's not just the height of the heels that astounds me, it's the outright ugliness of 'the latest trend must haves' that blown my mind out and away.
Shoes that look like boots from the ankles up, and flip flops from the heel down.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Whose BRILLIANT idea was it to combine leg shortening suede winter wear with hideous toe wedgying beach clobber and call in fashion?
Pick a season people.
Wearing shoes that look 'fit for every climatic occasion' just shows a total lack of commitment on behalf of the wearer and an absolute bucket load of cynicism on behalf of the designers.
I can hear the shrill voices of the Fashion Guru's floating down from the fashion houses now, as they stir a gram of coke into their double shot espresso's and discuss their evil plans.
"Lets see, shaggy boots in winter and strappy sandals in summer- lets just combine the lot this year,I am L'tired. Now pass me a bucket, I just swallowed a whole grape and I'm TOTALLY bloated."
Read these words and remember them.
One should NOT TAKE fashion advice from people who hate people.
And most Fashion Designers- and yes, I realise it's a potentially explosive statement- but most Fashion Designers HATE people.
They love art.
They love fashion.
They love 'The Shock Of The New'.
They love money, and fame, and they love money.
BUT THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU and they DO NOT love your feet.
Feet are, for the most part, the bodily equivalent of the embarrassing spinster Aunt who smells vaguely of cigars and urine that one must invite over at Christmas.
But just as you wouldn't deliberately go out of your way to harm Auntie Arabella ( after all, she does a certain something to the event) we women must resist the temptation to torture and subjugate our tootsies simply because some twisted 25 year old Technical Collage Design Graduate wasn't breast fed enough as a child.
Look at any magazine in any language doing the rounds right now, and you will see what I mean.
Fugly.Fugly.Fugly.
I am trying not to take the whole thing personally.
But unfortunately I happen to live 20 yards away from an entire street of shops dedicated to Chinese Antiquities, a number of which proudly display tiny delicate envelopes of silk known to create the Lotus Gait.
I am talking about foot binding, a practice so cruel and sexist that it was outlawed by a cruel and sexist government for being 'too extreme' a torture.
And yet, 2010, here we women are, tottering around in bunion producing, back breaking footwear of nosebleed heights, throwing good money after bad on products such as 'Party Feet Cushions' and anti inflammatory knee creams whilst we pound on the door of equal opportunity shouting at anyone who will listen that not only can we do everything men can do, but that we can do it standing on our toes.
Style AND Substance?
Perhaps.
But a sexy one and a half inch stiletto heel brings just as many boys to the yard as a pair of 5 inch toe crushers.
They don't call them 'Come Fuck Me Pumps' for nothing.
Besides, what sort of boys do you want in your yard whilst you are work conquering the world anyway?
So for the sake of ALL our sanity, lets get this wagon back on track and send the message out there.
If you can't kill a Dragon in them without looking like you've forgotten how to dress, or without sending out the message " I'm ready for sex just as soon as this baby is slayed"- leave them in the wardrobe until it's time to party.
Then by all means jump into those beautifully crafted uber expensive boy magnets and work on getting numb from the neck down as quickly as you lose feeling from the toes up.
'Cause we all know, nothing says "take me seriously" like a woman who can't walk unassisted.