Dear 2011,How are you?
I realise you have only existed for a day or two, but I figured we may as well start our relationship by discussing some basic ground rules so that we both feel comfortable with the direction we will take together over the next 12 months.
No doubt you have spoken to the previous years to get a little background on me, and might I recommend you also do a little research as to how best to handle me.
Please do not be shocked by my forthright way of speaking.
I know there are times when I need to be handled.
Self awareness is not a new state for me, and it was one of your brave predecessors who held up a mirror long enough for me to see the truth.
That was a tough year.
Literally and figuratively.
But like all great friendships, the bonds forged in that difficult time have held strong to this day.
I hope that we too can be such great friends.
2010 and I had a hell of a good time together, and I will forever look back on our shared seconds, minutes, hours, days and months with warmth and a smile.
But this is a new beginning for us both and we both have desires and objectives that we would like to reach before you leave me.
This year I should like to continue a few habits I picked up last year, namely my excellent health and greatly improved fitness which 2010 helped me to work towards.
I am hoping to take up marathon running this year as I am aware that without strongly defined goals I tend to vacillate.
You could help me with this by placing a store in my neighbourhood (that being Asia, so it's a big area) that sells reasonably priced sports bras that offer athletic support for women with actual breasts.
The ones 2010 supplied could not have held a ripe cherry to plywood and at the risk of being graphic, I would prefer to cross the finish line without self blackened eyes.
2011, I am not getting any younger. I do not wish to end my days rolling up my titties and placing then gently into my bra like a well loved pair of socks.
A sports bra made from a fabric stronger than spiderweb would greatly assist in this cause.
Also, as I am making requests, can we keep some of the more stupid people off my path this year ?
Particularly the ones who think they are clever, but they are not.
Granted, these people are EXCELLENT material, and I really really DO look forward to the day when I finally finish all these threatened manuscripts and wait for the lawsuits to start rolling in, but this year can we try and keep it to only one or two per month?
Last year, you will have no doubt heard, there were one or two repeat offenders whose astoundingly bloated self belief caused me more than the odd sleepless night.
True, I am partly responsible for bringing these people into my path myself, but this year, is there a way we can fix a flashing red light above the heads of people who, on first perusal, appear quite reasonable and then, on closer inspection, turn out to be the type of adult you wish had died in childbirth?
I am far from perfect, and my tendency to believe others also know that they are not perfect does me no favours whatsoever.
It turns out that the most obnoxious cunts on the planet are either never told, or never hear, that they are obnoxious cunts.
A large flashing red light and perhaps a 160 decibel alarm placed near or actually ON these people may help make identification easier.
I have a boring request too, can you help me do my paperwork and boring admin shit with a better attitude?
It's just so fucking boring, and I hate it.
True, I am much better than I used to be, thank you 2007, but even though I am better at getting it done on time I find it so boring that it is often difficult to type out invoices or bank cheques because my eyes are rolling so often I can't see.
It seems stupid to stand in bank queues sighing and eye rolling like a drugged up porn star when all I have to do is remember that cash flow is king, but even the threat of possible eviction or being disconnected from the city water supply is not enough to prevent the petulant song and dance routine I insist on carrying out every time I receive bills with the words URGENT written in red.
"What AGAIN", I sigh, rolling my eyes " But I had to get money in and send it out LAST month as well !!!" and then I set off down the street bashing into people Gruffalo style, blinded by my rolling eyes.
This is what I mean when I refer to 'handling' me.
I can get all emo on your arse faster than John Travolta fill a tight hole in a Turkish Steam Room.
The good news I can usually be tempted out of my own sphincter by the promise of some delicious tidbit of gossip about someone more ridiculous than myself......if the stories are true then even better.........but I'm not fussy.......
So 2011, lots of silliness please.
Lots of wacky behaviour, lots of crazy ideas that will never work and some that do.
Send me as many challenges as you think I can handle and then add one.
Other years have taught me I am stronger than I ever believed possible and I am not afraid.
Help me to grow.
Keep my children safe, help them to remember that they are the choices they make.
Help me help them make good choices.
Help me set boundaries, but keep all the gates unlocked so that I can look into the other fields.
I have never been one to envy other peoples greener grass, but I do like to look at the flowers.
All in all, lets work together to end the year with a tally of one more smiley face than sad face, one more fit of giggles than set of tears.
You will find I am fairly self reliant when it comes to achieving my plans and goals, and I take full responsibility for my own happiness, but we have been brought together by a quirk of the Universe and I am delighted to be able to share everything the next 360 plus days will bring.
I have great faith that we will be a great team, and I look forward to working with you,
best regards
Wendy.
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