Bend over, this won't hurt a bit.

Do you have a little guru in you?

Would you like one?

False prophets.

The only thing they are really good at is making real profits from our misery.

Feeling lost?

Give me 50,000 dollars and we will light the path to your happiness.

Where we come from there are literally hundreds of millions of us light seekers.

We can find the light within you, and if you are ready we will show you our own special lights.

We come from Darjeeling....so these will be.......Tea Lights.......

Feeling alone?

Join our organised religion.....we have people everywhere....millions and millions of lonely people feeling alone together.....we hold weekly meetings about being alone....these meetings work because there is singing involved and and stained glass windows and oil paintings.

We'd love to have you join us if you work in the legal profession, because we have a LOT of...ummm......issues.......due to some fairly vague laws about men in dresses, children and sex.

But mostly we like to meet with vulnerable lonely people.

Our organised religions are so good at bringing lonely people together we have held meetings for hundreds of years.

Never once have any of our members quit because they feel fulfilled, so we MUST be doing SOMETHING right........

To join is free, although we do ask for a little donation towards our art restoration costs, but for every dollar you donate to us, you get to say a wish to a magic invisible fairy that listens to all our secrets.

Feeling stressed out?

Come and breath with us.

Most people think breathing can happen anywhere, but that is why most people never fully understand how it works.

To breath, you need to be at one with your oneness....to be at one with your oneness, you need to breath.....but not just everyday in and out breathing.....oneness breathing.....

We want to spread the love of breathing to those less fortunate, so all we ask is that if you discover breathing is beneficial to you, you donate whatever you can to assist with our daily breathing costs.

After all, our superior air is not free......

Feeling smarter than everyone else?

Perhaps you are an alien.

We are.

That's why we are so smart.

We come from an angry planet and we are trying to get home.

Lots of very rich and very pretty people come from our planet.

When they come to Earth they have jobs like Actors and Property Developers because these jobs attract the most stable and trustworthy sectors of the community.

Of course, getting back to our home planets costs a SHITLOAD of money, so if you are really really super smart like us, and want to get home as much as we do, you will give us ALL your cash, pronto......

Feeling threatened by the modern world?

So are we, so we have come up with a simple solution.

We are taking the planet back to the dark ages, one woman at a time.

No more of this 'the earth is round' modern malarkey....no no no....that type of thinking's what got us into this state in the first place.

OUR God is a wrathful God, the good old fashioned kind with plague and pestilence and punishments worthy of the crime.

When OUR God says " cover up your hair you sluttish whore because your ringlets are giving me an erection or I'll beat you with a whip, then cut off your nose and ears and stone you to death" he means it.

No fucking around with OUR God.

No fucking at all, in fact.

A month with us, and the 21st Century will be nothing but a distant memory.

Feeling like you might be headed for a midlife crisis?

Come to our workshop.

We are not really qualified to fuck with your head, but that's never stopped us in the past, so why should we care?

Come, sit in this hotel ballroom with 500 other suckers whilst we ask you to turn off your phones, take off your watches and pour out your heart to strangers.

Tell us EVERYTHING.

Leave NOTHING out.

Then cry.

Cry like you've never cried before.

Feel better?

Great, now hand over your wallet.

Does that seem brutal?

Listen loser, it works for the casino's.

If you want to get better, you need to REALLY want it, and that means you need to prove it by signing up for the next 3 sessions.

Plus to get a 5% discount you need to sign up your family.

After all, they're the ones who fucked you up in the first place, so they owe you.

Feeling nothing?

Perhaps you are dead?

Being dead is cool, because more than half of the religions available on our list feature an after world where you will either find 45 virgins ( obviously no one we know) or a whole bunch of badly dressed people who can sing and understand art, OR you might even find you have come back to the planet as an Elephant, or a really interesting beetle.

Or perhaps you will find yourself beamed home?

Or perhaps you need a therapist?

Or a day in a spa?

Or a reality check......life is sometimes tough and sometimes shitty.

Sometimes you will feel alone, and lost, and misunderstood and vulnerable, but this is not a time to hand over your money to anyone other than a trained professional or a luxury chocolatier.

If your bank account feels too full, you can always trade away your middle class guilt with an anonymous donation to a worthy cause.

Or a frivolous one.

I, personally, have a RIDICULOUSLY large collection of earrings that can only be worn one set at a time.

Does this prevent me from donating money to retail stores?
No.

I give, and give and give to the prophet H&M....and I willingly accept donations to assist me in my cause.

I take cash, cheque or plastic and you can place it in my special 'box with the slot' at anytime.

Self love is what it's all about.

So why not become your own guru and stuff plastic into your own box?

Chances are you will get to Nirvana with a hell of a lot less effort, and you won't even have to go down on your knees......to pray.