Time on my hands is time on my hands.

Would it be rude to talk about masturbation here?
I only ask because it has been on my.....mind......today.
I work weekends, but as a small business owner I get to choose my hours.
A bit.
As a small business owner, I work for a tyrant.
But one of the advantages of sleeping with the boss, IE: me, is that if I need some time out, I can take it.
When I take some 'me time' the question always arises as to what to do with my hands.
Some days there is no choice.
With routine monotony, every month , bills must be paid and groceries must be bought.
Hideously boring, I attempt to do these things with Cheetah like stealth.
It is the only time I run.
Running is for people who are unaware that the planet is round, and that they are not actually going anywhere, only fast.
Outside of being avoiding being evicted, and feeding my cat, my 'down time' is totally mine to waste.
My children live overseas, I currently have no S.O....( although you may want to watch this space)....and my part-time hobby of hiking the hills is dependent of dozens of factors that make it less than routine.
Ispo facto, when the days I mark as 'OFF' in my diary eventuate, I often find myself standing there with my pants around my ankles, so to speak.
Now, I am going to have to tread carefully here, lest I scare the children, but I wonder, would it be considered wasteful to spend the day 'laying in'?
I mean.
The Day.
For years I have bleated on about a book I am currently writing called " Fuck yourself thin: a woman's guide to masturbation and weight loss" ( which is copyright so don't even fucking THINK about it).
I have been writing this book for almost 7 years.
Actually it's finished, I've just never shown it to anyone.
I wrote it when I was thin. I had been fatter- like now- and then I was thinner.
I was thinner because I stopped eating and was feeling wretched because I was unhappily married but didn't know what to do about it.
At that time, in order to make myself feel happier I practiced lots of very safe sex.
Lots and lots of it.
Lots and LOTS of practice.
By myself.
Chemically, 'self love'- as with all love- releases endorphins into the body.
Endorphins and Serotonin work together to make us feel good.
I was battling with very low levels of Serotonin, so I self medicated.
Sexual self medication.
Sounds like a defence for Tiger Woods- except he's just a twat.
Later I medicated myself with drugs and alcohol.
These things did not make me thin.
When I stopped all of that nonsense and sorted out my serotonin levels with the help of a doctor, I was left with what to do with my hands....again.
I grew up going to Sunday School, and I have talked here about the magnificent effect the 'Show Business Aspect' of The evangelical Church had on my disturbingly creative developing mind.
I never once believed a single word spoken over the pulpit, but I did like the costumes.
So sex has never been a taboo for me, I have no areas of squeamishness, nothing surprises me, or shocks me, or revolts me.....with the obvious exception to people who hurt children, or involve animals.......you, my friends, will have your day in hell and I will be there to supervise.......
But back to my rant, I have seen 'Two girls One cup'- I gagged, I did, I threw up a little in my mouth, but it didn't SHOCK me, I just thought it was yuck.
When you have seen as much porn as I have, you become completely anaesthetised to what some people are prepared to do with their orifices and bodily fluids.
Ever seen any Japanese porn?
Death defying.
Literally.
Thank God those fuckers didn't win the war is all I can say ( with love and respect to all my Japanese buddies).
My lack of prudishness in this area has given many the misconception that I am, indeed, vulgar when it comes to talking about sex.
This is a misunderstanding.
Vulgarity appals me, in fact rudeness and base behaviour of any kind is an anathema to me.
I just feel comfortable talking about sex and I enjoy sex.
I see sex as a natural part of being alive, and I know that just as there are a plethora of different genres of writing styles to be read and appreciated, there are hundreds of different ways to enjoy being sexual without shame or guilt.
So back to masturbation and whether or not a day spent 'relaxing in bed' is a waste of a day?
To give credit where it's due, the weather today WAS shit, and I managed to do all my grocery shopping on Monday. My bills have all been paid, and I am feeling very positive generally, so it's not 'self help'...( OK well it IS 'self help', but not the Chemical Need kind).
Plus, I have nothing to read, and my hiking partner is in OZ.
But is it selfish?
And am I spoiling it for others who come into my bedroom and mess up my sheets?
After all, I'm pretty good, even if I do say so myself.
And I should be.
I've had enough practice.
Perhaps I'm over thinking it.
Tomorrow I will be putting all my energies into saving the world from bad public speaking and under-confident leadership.
As I run through my mantras of 'eye contact, diaphragm breathing, projection, projection, projection' I shall allow my mind to wander, as it does regardless, to the lazy hazy days spent in happy self fulfillment.
Perhaps a bit more of that, and a bit less of me, is what most of my clients REALLY need.
I could always suggest it.
The only trouble is, what would I bill that as on the invoice, and how could I be sure they wouldn't try to fudge the hours on the time sheet?
There is nothing worse than being played.
Especially when you prefer playing with yourself.