Eyes Wide Eyes

I watched the Golden Globes today.
I have my reasons.
They are not very good reasons, so I will not disclose them here.
They were hosted by Ricky Gervais, the fat guy who wrote The Office.
The original.
The good one.
The Golden Globes are generally considered a good indicator as to who will win at The Academy Awards.
And if that IS the case, then I shall be giving this years Oscars a miss.
It's not the decisions of the judges per se, most of the offerings this year were really rather good. I loved Julie and Julia, Avatar,Up and all the other 15,000 releases in 2009 staring Meryl Streep (don't believe me? Check the credits).
And it wasn't the frocks.
Although the half and half, cover one shoulder and one boob dresses made just about everyone look as if they were recovering from a mastectomy, the fact that pale and skeletal is still considered fashion forward is somewhat of a comfort.
I will never wear a dress like that, and they would never dress like me.
The great thing about being me is I can stay comfortable, dressed as I am and fashion backward with impunity.
So go ahead Drew Barrymore and wear a hedgehog as a shoulder strap, all is forgiven.
No, no.
The thing that stopped me in my tracks this morning were the absolutely monumentally mind numbingly stupid acceptance speeches.
Look, I am not into God, but some people are, and that's OK......thank God if you have to, or the Tooth Fairy, or Santa or whomever it is you believe is guiding your path.
Just say SOMETHING.
Imagine.
You are at an awards ceremony where you have been nominated to win, and you don't think about what you want to say, or rehearse it in the mirror, or time it with your watch, or run it by a friend/beautician/lover/pet?
THEN when the inevitable happens and your name is called out, you walk to the stage, air kiss the appropriate non-nominee and stop in front of the microphone.
There you are, cameras in your face, millions of people watching and the first words out of your mouth are " I didn't write anything" and then you stand in silence for a full 10 seconds while you gather your thoughts.
As well as calling bullshit- and I am prepared to call bullshit- I wonder what sort of moronic twat honestly believes that that sort of a) false modesty or b) total lack of preparation looks good for them?
Today's Golden Globes suffered from numerous Deer-in-Headlights moments.
People with big, fat, hairy pay cheques that have 6 zero's next to the other numbers, who can not string a sentence together.
Actors- whose job it is to BE someone and DO something,the very same people who are trained to speak- suddenly struck mute.
Jesus wept.
FAKE IT PEOPLE !!!!
You are trained to play dress-ups and pretend.
Spend a morning before the limo comes to pick you up from your palace and try to imagine what it would be like to win an award.
Then imagine what it is you would like to say, and time it to see if it lasts more than a minute.
Once you have achieved parts one and two, call a hooker on a 1-800 number and ask her if she finds what you have to say interesting.
If any of these steps appear lacking, scrap what you have and take a new post-it note and start again.
I hate hearing the argument that actors are no good at being themselves, because frankly, I don't care if they are good at being themselves or not.
I KNOW they know how to be other people, that is the essence of acting, so I guess if they don't know how to be themselves, they should stick to being someone who CAN string a sentence together and pretend to be that person for the 60 seconds it takes to thank your agent/kids/caterer/4Th grade drama teacher.
You see, knowledge is power.
Knowing who you want to thank in advance gives you the power to not look like a total douche in front of a global live audience.
Logic would dictate that the people who won today run the risk of winning next time, and armed as I am with THAT knowledge and having little faith that there will be a shift in mindset of the potential Oscar winners, I shall skip the ceremony and go straight to the gossip websites where a variety of bent and bitter gays will dissect the gown choices of anorexic ingenues.
The photographic stills will speak the volumes that the actors can not manage.
Plus that way I can add my own sound track.
Something involving Elmer Fudd...."shhhhh stay vewy, vewy quiet....."