Ten Rules for a Faster/ Higher/ Stronger/Sexier/ Better/ Superer Dooperer Life.

A darling hearted dear friend recently sent me a copy of "The Rules", a 10 point plan for getting the right man's slippers parked permanently underneath your bed.
Her motivation for doing so- I believe and forgive me if I am wrong Suzanne- was centered around a bubble bath and the crucial self loving words from rule 10 " I am a beautiful woman, I am enough".
Suzanne was reminding me to be kind to myself. I often need reminding. Like a lot of woman blessed with a challenging life path, self loathing is an all too familiar default.
I love the women in my life. I breathe and devour their mentor ship, their wisdom, their honesty, their strength, their courage, their frailty, their perseverance, and their determination to be who they are, warts and all. Often they wear their hearts and minds on their sleeves and, filled with self doubt themselves, question whether or not that makes them weaker in the eyes of the world.
But only cowards run from pain.
'Ownership of self' is the ultimate sign of an unsung hero.
Like I said, I love these woman, and their inspiration gives me the daily dose of courage I need to be me.
So I looked at these 'Rules'.....and they started me thinking.
Frankly I am not sure that I am calculating enough to follow them all to the letter.....for example, apparently if he hasn't proposed after a year, it's a no go. To quote the article " Close the deal, Rules women do not date men for more than 2 years ".
If I never actually marry again, it will be too soon. Live with, yes, marry?...........Well.............I would need some serious convincing.
So then what 'Rules' would I create if I was creating 10 rules for women to follow?
Whether it be to attract a man - something I claim ZERO expertise in - or just to live by, what 10 things would I tell my daughter?
You see where I am going with this.......
Rule 1.
Write down, then print out and carry, a list of gas and bodily fluid boundaries that are irrevocable under any circumstances other than near death gastro requiring hospitalisation.
For example mine would read: We can only have sex if you agree to the following. NO farting in common areas, EVER. No burping at the dinner table, EVER. Flushing the toilet ALWAYS, and placing the seat down at nighttime for when I get up to pee at 1am and do not turn on a light. If you leave wee on the seat, wash it off,and if you DO happen to piss down the outside of the cistern, and GOD ALONE knows how that happens cause the bowl is wider than your dick, CLEAN IT UP. Also, you will sleep on the wet patch on winter nights, and I will on summer- but only if the aircon is on.
Rule 2.
Do not go out with men who send mixed messages, and if you are not sure, ask a friend, then take her advice. If she rolls her eyes when you mention his name, that is all the advice you need.
I am guilty of this one, so I know. If a guy chats and flirts and bats his eyelids and touches you and then makes you feel like you are a stalker when you call him, put a hit out on him. He is one messed up little fucker and you are better off with a small rap sheet with the local authorities than you are with his number in your phone. Prison terms for killing men are shorter than waiting for them to get their shit together.
Rule 3.
Buy yourself something nice everyday.
It doesn't have to be expensive. A nice bag of fresh cherries or a lip gloss or a good cappuccino will make you happy. Men like to feel like heroes, I am told by woman's magazines, by buying woman gifts. Great. In the meantime, be your own hero and buy your own stuff. That way, you can get the buzz of giving AND receiving.
Rule 4.
You will always have fat days, even if you are Kate Moss. Bald woman have bad hair days. You are not your fat, and you are not your hair.
You know how the day you go to the hairdressers to get it all cut off is always the day it looks amazing? You know how the dress that made you a sexual goddess last week makes you look like your mother today because you are about to get your period? Why do we do this to ourselves? We know what this is. Let's just say it. I AM MORE THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS. Now say it again. And again. And again.
Rule 5.
Do not shit where you eat. Do not piss in your own pool. Do not fuck people you work with. Period.
If you MUST fall in love with someone at the workplace, make them quit, then continue. Never quit yourself unless it's for a better position.
Rule 6.
Men with stuffed toys in their bedrooms are bad in bed.
The one exception is a teddy from their childhood - ONE AND ONLY ONE HOWEVER- these men are invariably good with their tongues, don't ask me how I know but I do, but any man who owns a doll or teddy that was released in the last 2 years will not do any better entertaining your soft parts than the battery operated toy you keep beside the bed. Some men are into Marvel Models and the like. These are OK if they are displayed in the living room only. If he has more models than books, leave the house IMMEDIATELY and delete his number.
Rule 7.
White stockings and/or shoes make you look like a nurse, which is great if you are a nurse and on duty, otherwise, no.
Also, the 80's were genuinely the decade fashion forgot. Bubble skirts make skinny girls look like they have mah-hoo-sive arses and fat girls look like 17th century troubadours and fluro suits NO ONE. Uber high waisted anything makes you look like you have a mental health issue. Think before you buy.
Rule 8.
Love your breasts.
Big or small, saggy or flat, nipples like plates or raisins, they are yours, and they can feed babies, and they are amazing and they need love. I hate the breast augmentation industry. Hate it. I have a big chest, but it took me years to love my boobs. Heavy, hard to dress without looking like a porn star, sweaty in summer, I am now at peace with my lady lumps, but it was not easy.I have friends who fret and fret that there is "not enough". They bemoan what nature has gifted them.Why? VERY VERY few men ( ie: none) get 10 ounces of silicone shafted into their penises, and frankly, a number of them could. Not many women would complain about a man with a larger prick, but I never read ads for 'a more masculine 5 inch wide 10 inch long you' in the plastic surgery section of newspapers. If a man makes you feel that you are less of a woman because of the size of your tits, cut off his dick and see if he looks less of a man.
Rule 9.
Look after your feet.
Some feet are sexy, some are not, but they work really hard and they could do with some kindness. Apparently it was a really big deal in the Bible when a woman- who must have been a hooker obviously because she hung around the guys all day- washed the self proclaimed son of Gods feet. Things don't need to get that intense at your place. Just try and put them up once in a while, keep them clean, don't cut them with tight/ill fitting/ ridiculous shoes and then expect them to heal overnight. Put moisturiser on them as you go to bed. Paint the nails when you get a chance. If you live near me, indulge in a $98 massage in TST. Be good to your feet, and they will be good to you.
Rule 10.
Don't let anyone tell you how to live.
This includes me. Do not love people who do not love you for you.
For what ever reason you do what you do, what ever you do, try the best you can, to do the best you can and for the rest, consider this prayer by Saint Francis of Assisi.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference."
I am a total atheist and I pray to no one, but these words mean more to me today than they ever did.
I know that in order to achieve what I must on my journey, I must heed the message of acceptance, courage and wisdom.
Ah, so in the end, only three rules are required, and none of them involve capturing an unsuspecting hunter gatherer in my lace and silk spider web.
I guess there is more to life for a chick like me than sucking on flies.