Ah honesty, you funny little failing.Before we begin, it's worth remembering I am a born performer.
I live to entertain, even if only to entertain myself.
For me facts are important, but I have never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
I like the bells and whistles, the staircases and roof structure I leave to the engineers.
So it is not without a wry smile I can reflect on a lifetime being labeled as a 'direct and refreshingly honest, call it as you see it, truth speaking bullshit detector'.
Some may call it hypocrisy.
I say it takes one to know one.
Brutal honesty.
I love the 'BRUTAL' part of that phrase.
The following is all true, I am not even going to change the names.
I was online last night, in a singles dating website where I was asked by a desperate and dateless man-child of 30 - online name of 'jackinthebox, I kid you not- if I was interested in him coming around "right now" and having him do exciting things to me with his more wet and flexible muscles.
I had been speaking to this person for 6 minutes.
Here's the thing 'Jack'.
It's 10 pm Saturday night, I just got home from work. I've worked 60 hours this week, and I have my period.
I am online because I am too fucking lazy to get off my couch and be sociable with real human beings.
In fact today, I don't even LIKE human beings, let alone horny, lonely, young men who are also pathetically home on a Saturday night.
Whatever the fuck it is you think you can do with your tongue, I am certain, given my current mood and state, my Purple Buzzy Toy will do a better job faster, and quieter, and leave less mess.
On top of that, I may actually have to make conversation with you at some point, either before or after, and frankly I don't have the energy.
I just want a quiet night and a quiet life, and you seem noisy.
'Jack' mentioned he had a bottle of wine........that MAY have been a selling point. But I have beer in the fridge.
When a man makes offers I always have to overcome my instantaneous desire to make counter offers.
The following is also a true account that may explain that statement.
Friday night I dragged my arse out and met up with a girlfriend to have a drink and a girly chat.
She is coming out of a relationship.
Even though he behaved like a total tit, she feels responsible.
Woman are like that.
I met a man named Gary.
He bought me drinks.
I did not ask him to buy me drinks.
I have my own money, I can buy my own drinks.
But he insisted, and I did the 'girl thing' and let him be a hero.
He ' accidentally' touched my breasts three times.
I let him.
My breasts are people too, they need to be loved.
He told me about his 3rd wife.
She doesn't understand him.
It could be because he's fat and ugly and boring and old.
That's why I didn't understand him.
I always find it easier to understand attractive people.
Then he made me an offer I felt I could refuse.
He offered to have sex with me.
At my place, obviously.
His wife may be deaf, blind and stupid, but she's human after all.
He said " So, shall we walk back to your place and stop in at the 7/11 to grab supplies?"- meaning condoms I assumed, which I have at home anyway, unless he meant for a quick bowl of curried fish balls, in which case would have been prudent as I am all out.
I said " Sure, but lets stop off at the bank first so you can withdraw the money, I prefer cash up front".
OK, I didn't actually say that, but that WAS the counter offer that immediately came to mind.
When a man talks to me about sex within an hour of meeting them, I assume they must want to buy it from me, because why else would we be having that conversation?
Don't get me wrong, jelly belly and all, I know men like the idea of having sex with me.
I have big tits, and I laugh easily.
I am also fiercely independent and reasonably intelligent, but mostly I have big tits.
In Australia, my double D's would go unnoticed.
In Asia they are like a neon sign to breast fed men in search of a wet nurse.
But it's quid pro quo gents.
You offer me a bounce on your balls like it's a gift I have never unwrapped before, I feel the need to proffer a shopping list from Tiffany's.
You would like me to get up close and personal with your musky bits before you even know my middle name, I am going to need a new ring to admire while a busy myself with your old fella.
If you take the time to get to know me, you will discover I couldn't care less for jewellry, but if that seems like an effort lets just call a spade a shovel and get that plastic out of your wallet.
God knows, in HK, you are better off shopping in Wan Chai.
If I was a guy, that's what I would do.
For real.
So I said goodbye to Gary, and left him in the happy hunting grounds that are the bars and clubs of this fair city.
I am sure in the daylight hours he is less horrific.....no, that's a lie....even in daylight he would be another unfaithful, expatriate prick with an over inflated sense of his own worth.
That sounds bitter.
I'm not, actually, just disappointed that out there is a woman standing by her man while he stands beside other woman with his hand on his wallet as a mating call.
In my heart, I know that there are plenty of women out there who will hear that call, and fail to observe the wedding ring as he signs the bills.
It's just not for me.
Still, I drank his booze, and pissed off home.
Perhaps that's just as bad.
One of the tricky things about honesty is having the courage to be honest with yourself.
So here it is, my name is Wendy, and I am a part-time cock tease.
Well, maybe not 'part-time'.
I don't go out to bars much anymore, but 'casual cock-tease' doesn't sound right.
There is NOTHING 'casual' about it.
Virginia Woolf said "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people."
And she was normal.
The bible says " to thine own self be true."
And that's a book written in forgotten languages on leaves and stored in caves by dead people thousands of years ago.
Who else do I need to quote to make my point?
Be truthful.
Be honest.
Be brutal when you need to, but not so brutal as to be unkind.
When that moment comes,when you really want to let rip and cut through the swathes of crap being fed your way, let it pass and just say nothing.
Then run away and write a book about all the things you had thought, but didn't say.
Remember to add your bells and whistles.
Then get a lawyer, and publish.
Oooooooh yes........
By the way, you know that guy who hangs around,the one who thinks he's all that ?
The one we all talk about?
He has a small penis.
And he NO idea how to use it.
:)
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