Joy to the Jingle

It's Christmas.
This may have passed you by if
a) you live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away or
b) if you are a cat. I don't think cats know about Christmas. Not really.
I would think even if you live under the sea, or in a cave, you know it's Christmas.
I think Osama Bin Laden knows it's Christmas, and last I heard he lives in a cave so it follows.
I am not a god person......that is I don't have a God in my life. Of course I pray when I really, really want something, but that's just hypocrisy and wishful thinking.
Plus I like to play the odds.
But I do very much like Christmas Carols. Real ones. Ones that talk about baby Jesus, and stars from the east, and good kings that look after poor people, and have words like Dominum and Sanctum and feature the sounds of per-adolescent boys hitting the High C.
In short, I like Christmas hymns.
As a matter of fact, I like hymns period.
I was bought up in a religious household, which could go part of the way to explaining why I no longer believe in God, and also why I still like God music.
My mother was of the evangelical persuasion, lots of talking in tongues and large arm movements. The theatrical element of my religious upbringing was absolutely integral to forming the person I am now. Every part of my chosen profession and personality type can be traced directly back to an event when I was about 8.
Standing on a pew so that I could see properly, I was taken to see a 'De-possession'- quite the most spectacular show I had ever witnessed.
I have a very strong memory of looking around the church, looking at the faces of the adults around me , all of whom had worked themselves into a sweaty frenzy of religious fervor.
At the centre of this cacophony was the 'possessed'- a woman of about 30, who was writhing on the floor swearing and spitting vitriol.
The scene fascinated me.
Of course I knew- even at that age- that this was nothing more than mass hysteria, but the thought that popped into my head at the time was " How can I get that kind of attention?"
I have been aiming to capture and hold an audience with as much focus ever since.
But back to the hymns.
Today I went in search of REAL Christmas carols.
Not " Santa come and kiss mummy and feed the reindeer's jolly candy canes while it snows marshmallow" type carols.
I wanted ancient, haunting, uplifting, spine tingling, knee weakening God Songs.
Ones that make me feel guilty about not believing anymore, and that remind me that there is a greater good.
Hymns that are sung in cathedrals that have acoustics designed to break even a heathens heart.
So there I stood in HMV, looking at over 100 CD's to choose from and this is what I discovered.
Every two bit twat who has entered a recording studio has a Christmas album. Glen Campbell has Christmas Album. The CHIPMUNKS have a Christmas Album. So do Cats ( actual living cats) and Dogs ( that woof the songs). Punk bands record Christmas Carols (there is a lot of swearing, kind of " Fuck of and have a merry fucking time, you captitalist sellout fucks" which alludes to the hypocisy bit mentioned earlier).
There is an Album of Jingle Bells- the song Jingle bells.18 tracks of THE SAME SONG recorded, presumably, 18 different ways.
Have you checked out the lyrics of that particular track lately? They are not exactly open to much 'interpretation'. Essentially it's about the fun to be had on a sleigh with bells.
That particular Album, I assume, is for the stoners.
It took me ages to find the CD I wanted.
Recorded by the Choir of the Kings College, Cambridge, it includes all the necessary Mendelssohn Classics and male Sopranos that make up a 'real' Christmas play list.
None of this " All I want for Christmas is teeth, you and snow for starving Africans" malarkey.
I always wondered about that, by the way.
Remember Band-Aid?
There is a lyric that says " Without snow outside, do they know it's Christmas time at all?"
I grew up in Australia.
Never saw a bloody flake of snow in December in 11 years.
Nor a Reindeer for that matter.
Not to worry though, with the advent of recorded sound and the help of preachers who spent the end of the year harassing choirboys to sing- as opposed to just harassing choirboys- I was always alerted to the upcoming festive season.
So, for now, Gloria in Excelsis Deo, and have a safe and Merry Christmas.